Parental Lessons - The Legacy That Passes Through Generations

Warning---this post has no photos, just a great volume of text.

When my mom passed away, someone told me that I will see her alive within me.  There will be moments when she will be living inside of me with something I do, say or even feel.  Her legacy lives in me.  Whether I knowingly recognize it or not, there is no refuting the fact that I am very much her daughter.  I am very much my parents’ daughter.  

My parents know I love them but what I often fail to do is to express  is my gratitude for the values and life’s lessons my parents have instilled in me.  I will pass these onto to my children, and the legacy will continue.

 

Parental Lessons/Values

 

·         Education.  My mother had some college and was studying to eventually become a lawyer before the war interfered with her plans.  My dad had a high school diploma of which it was a struggle for him to achieve.  Both my parents were not formally educated, but they are both very intelligent people.  Education was not an option when I was growing up.  It was a requirement. When I graduated high school, there was no question what my next step into adulthood would be. College.  College. College.  Not going was NOT an option.  I remember sitting around the dining room table as a child with my parents lecturing me about how necessary it was….My parents were not actively involved in my school in a typical way when I was a child.  They never went to Back to School night or Open House.  They didn't volunteer in my class, but this did not mean they did not care.  They cared very much about what was on that report card when I got home.  Cs were considered failing.  Perhaps it was my mother’s strict Asian upbringing, but she was adamant about our education being a priority.  I was in a very typical strict Asian household when it comes to education.  Since my own children could speak, I have had similar discussions with them about my expectations in terms of their academic career.  They know that college is a requirement. 

·         Family.  My sister and I were very close when I was young, but our relationship turned sour in my late 20s and though things have somewhat resolved, the intimacy we once shared is not alive.  My mom wanted us to mend that bond, and she did all she could to encourage that.  When she was dying from cancer, she asked me repeatedly to always be there for my sister. She worried about Yvette the most, and she asked me that if my sister ever needed anything, do not turn my back on her.  I promised my mom I would always be there for her and Leroy.  My mom and dad have taught me that there is nothing more important than family.  NOTHING.  I may not be as close to my sister as I once was, and my brother and I may not talk daily, but there is no doubt that I would do ANYTHING for either of them.  Again, dining room discussions centered around lectures on the importance of family. 

I remember one time, my dad had an emotional talk with my sister and me about my brother.  We were in a bar, and he was telling us how mature Leroy had grown and how much he has changed since he went to medical school. When I was younger, my brother could be rude and cold.  My dad encouraged us to develop a closer bond with him because after all, there is nothing more important than family.  He was right, because my brother is one of the most amazing and intelligent men.  My parents were extremely proud of his achievement.  A doctor?  Can you believe that?  I am proud too.  He is the epitome of what my parents taught us and valued….family, hard work, education, independence, self-reliance, responsibility, and selflessness.

·         Selflessness.  This is my weakest area.  I think I have a strong sense of the importance of family and education, but I lack the selflessness that both my parents lived by.  My parents are the two most generous people I have ever known.  They have helped people their entire lives, giving them money and whatever they could.   When my mom died, she owned nothing.  We had to dig to find something to even bury her in because she literally owned so little. She gave everything away.  She was so giving.  I interviewed her a month before she died, and she told me that was the one thing she wanted to teach “us”….to always help people and to not be selfish.  This is an area that I need to strive to improve because I tend to get irritated and lack the tolerance and patience to help.

·         Independence and Self Reliance.  I think one of the reasons why I lack selflessness is because my value of independence is abnormally high and sometimes, there is a contradiction between being selfless and maintaining independence.  I want to help people, but I have little patience for people who do not seek independence and self-reliance. My mom was very organized. She was a long-term planner.  She had many creative ideas on starting business.  She once was a Vietnamese court interpreter.  She had a clothing boutique.  She went a little eccentric when she was buying/selling property to make money.  However, she always strategized and planned for the future.  When I was 13, my mom took me to open my first bank account.  When my own children were born, they had an account the moment I got their social security card.  When I was 18, my mom cosigned for my first credit card so I could establish my own credit.  My mom pushed for us to have a solid future, helping me secure the townhouse I live in now. She also gave Yvette money so that she could one day purchase her own home.  When my mom died, her funeral was already planned and paid for.  She died without any debt.  She removed all of the planning, financial burden so that we would only have to focus on our own personal grief.  My mom believed in having a career so that we could be independent.  I know some women choose to be a stay-at-home mom, which is a wonderful option, but for me, I need the options and independence that a career offers. I created a living trust so my kids would be taken care of….I actively plan for retirement.  I want to address as many of the possible “what ifs” in life that I can by pre-planning.  

When I was 20 years old and still a college student but working part-time, my mom began making me pay a nominal amount of rent.  It was like $200 or $250 dollars.  I don’t remember feeling resentful at the time.  I just did it.  However, reflecting back, I realized she was teaching me the necessary lesson of responsibility and self-reliance.  There is a sense of entitlement that is quite prevalent with children today.  By making me pay rent, I was learning to be self-reliant.  I am responsible for my own self. 

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, she sold me her townhouse, giving me about $100,000 in equity at the time.  (It is now much less as the property values dropped significantly.)  I lived in that townhouse and paid the mortgage.  From the moment she sold me the townhouse to the moment she passed away (5 years), my mom had many erratic schemes about selling the house, giving it to Yvette, taking out an equity loan etc.  About every three months, I would have to listen to one of her erratic plans.  It was stressful.  My mom taught me independence and self-reliance and with that comes no expectations from anyone.  During that five years, I would have, any day, signed over that house back to her.  It was in my name, and legally, I didn’t have to do anything, but in my opinion, the house was still hers.  It always belonged to her until the day she died.  Even though the house was in my name legally, it always belonged to her.  I do not expect anything from my parents.  The moment I became an adult, there were no expectations and no sense of entitlements  I had from my parents.

When I got married, I didn’t expect my parents to pay for my wedding nor did I expect them to hand me some money.  Both did offer and give me some financial assistance for my wedding, but I did pay for most of the wedding on my own.  I didn’t expect or demand it from my parents.  It became an offer, and when it became an offer, it became a gift.

When I attended college, I did not expect my parents to pay for my tuition.  They helped me financially by allowing me to live in the house (with a measly rent).  I graduated college debt free. College was paid for by grants and my own income from a part time job.

 When I talk about independence and self-reliance, there is also responsibility.  When my parents divorced, my dad still helped financially support us.  In fact, he continued to give my mom child support until we all graduated college.  I know many parents stop the child support the moment the child reaches 18, but my dad knew it was necessary to help us fulfill our educational requirement.  I purposely use the word “requirement” because college again is not an option; it is a requirement. 

·         Hard Work.    My parents worked their asses off.  My dad often held a part-time job in addition to his full time work in the military.  My mom stayed at home the first few years and helped bring additional income in by doing a daycare service.  When my parents divorced, my mom returned to work, but she earned a measly 18.00 an hour.  She was innovative and creative in coming up with ways to supplement that income.  She turned our garage into a room and she rented it out to friends.  Sometimes, I wonder how she did it….she hardly had much of an income, but she was able to raise three kids….have three kids graduate college and one of those kids continue to graduate medical school….how did she do it?  She owned property in Southern California, and she died without debt.  She was amazingly brilliant in managing her finances. 

 

·         Life After Divorce.  This is probably the area where I feel tremendously grateful to my parents for….their divorce was not exclusive of pain, but the way they were able to manage the divorce and the parental relationship with us brings tears to my eyes.  My parents loved each other and though they were divorced, I know they would have always helped each other no matter what.  When Jacob divorced me, he told me he wanted us to be like my parents…..though we have not quite achieved that, there is more amicability in our relationship than most divorced couples.

·         Religion.  I didn’t grow up with any organized religion.  I think my parents took us to church once or twice.  I don’t necessarily think religion automatically equates to morality. There are many people who preach and claim religion, but do not have a moral fiber in their body.  My mom was a melting pot of religion.  She practiced Buddhism, but she also believed and prayed to Jesus.  My parents had their faults like I have mine, but they were/are genuinely good people.  They care about others. They gave to others.  They are much more philanthropic than me.  They let me explore and find my own religion.  I am a Christian.  I once was an agnostic, but there is no doubt in my mind of God’s existence.  I feel him. 

The greatest comfort a parent can give a child is unconditional love and support.  There is such a comfort in knowing that with parents, you will always have someone who has your back…who will catch you if you need to be caught….there is a security (not that you will necessarily use that safety net but just knowing it exists is a comfort.)  My mom is now gone so the security is less tight. 

I am blessed to have extraordinary parents who made a lot of sacrifices for me and my siblings.  I think a  parent’s job is to make their children better than they are….more educated, more successful, more happier, more comfortable, more secure, more giving etc.  I am not saying I am better person, but what I am saying is my parents afforded me every possible opportunity to be better and have a better life.