Dear Sweet Dad,

 

 

Dear Sweet Dad,

My heart is broken, and I have cried daily since that tragic January 24, 2014 day.  It was a day that changed my world forever.  It was the day that I had to say goodbye to the man whom I love and who had been my wonderful father for 42 years. 

I'm so grateful I was able to be by your side and to hold your hand those last few hours.  It was so hard for me, but I was determined to be there for you as you had always been there for me.  I would not abandon you because you gave and sacrificed so much for me throughout my entire life.

I am also grateful that you lived longer than I had expected, but yet am I being greedy because I wanted you longer?  69 years is too short, but since I was 18, I had feared the day I would lose you and that's why I took so many photos and made many videos so I could immortalize as many memories as possible.  I watched one of the videos recently.  It was your interview by me filmed in 1996.  I also watched a Thanksgiving video where we went to shoot billiards and go dancing.  I loved seeing you dance and it reminded me how "cool" my dad was. (All my friends absolutely adored you.)   Your humor showed on the video when you took out your bridge and licked it clean with your tongue, getting a taste of ham in the process.  It makes me laugh, but with good memories comes pain.  I could not stop the endless flow of tears when the video progressed to us slow dancing. It was very painful to watch because I wanted to be in your arms again....just slow dancing with my Dad.

Your military funeral service was dignified and classy.  I wanted so very much to speak at the service, but I didn't know that was permitted until the day before so I quickly wrote down some thoughts in a very disorganized script.  I just wanted to share with the world what a great Dad you were and what an even better man you are.  I wanted everyone to know how deeply I love you.  The stronger the love, the deeper the pain, and I'm hurting so much now. 

Getting promoted to Master Sargent

In the interview, you said you were very proud of your military service.  I am proud that my dad was a veteran.

When I was younger, mom did not treat me with as much softness as I needed,but I don't resent her because she apologized to me, and I forgive her wholeheartedly, but the truth is that without you as a Dad, I am not quite sure how I would have ended up.  You loved me unconditionally and you showered me with affection which compensated for what I didn't get.  I never not once doubted that you loved me.  You made me feel special and valued.  All little girls need to feel loved and special and I had my Daddy who eradicated any negative feeling I ever had of myself.  I always felt the freedom to be me with you. I didn't have to act or try to make you proud. I wanted to, but I felt such unconditional love and acceptance from you .   Thank you for that, Dad.  You were so involved in our lives.  You attended school things.  You coached us in all our sports.  I even remember spending weekends playing two on two basketball games with you, Leroy, and Yvette.  By the way, we are all great athletes because a.) its part genetics which we inherited from you and b.) you taught us sports and to hustle and have that competitive drive.

In the interview, you talked about how you wanted to be remembered as being charitable, and honestly, Dad, there is no one who had a more soft, kind, giving heart than you.  I remember our soccer team that you coached, The Hurricanes, and how when the score was tied, you chose the disabled player with the prosthetic leg to kick the final penalty kick that ended the game.  Everyone was angry and could not comprehend why you would not choose someone else who would have guaranteed a win at such a critical moment, but no, you chose that kid, and I remember asking you why?  You told me it was because he deserved a chance.  That one gesture showed me what kind of spirit you have.

The Hurricanes soccer team. I was #7 and Leroy played on the team.  The kid with the prosthetic leg was #11.

I have said this to you before...divorce can be such an ugly thing full of hatred and bitterness.  When Jacob left me, he said "I want 'us' to be like your parents".   Out of everything, I so respect how we were able to do things as a big family with you, Mom, Pilar and everyone.  Those moments were such treasured memories for me.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  I loved being with everyone, and it showed me that divorce doesn't have to be ugly.  You also helped Mom when she was dying from cancer.   You and Pilar gave Mom money every month so she could pay her medical bills.  You were divorced for over 20 years and there was no obligation to do that, but you did.  You helped  mom when she needed it, and I will never forget that kindness.    When she was dying and asked for you, you were on the next plane to see her.  I won't ever forget that  either, Dad.  When Mom was dying, I heard you whisper to her, "the reason these kids are so wonderful is because of you, Ly. It is all because of you, Ly" but Dad, you were so very wrong.  It wasn't just because of mom; it was also because of you.  We are all college educated.  You instilled the value of kindness, selflessness, charity, hard work, education, and family in all of us.  We are who we are because we had such good parents.

We could all be together, and this meant everything to me.

with my mom and dad

with beautiful, sweet Pilar who was such a blessing to you.  I thank God for her.

You were so fun to be around. You made me laugh.   You had the GREATEST sense of humor. I told the chaplain who did your service that you were a contradiction, and he repeated this during the service.  You are a contradiction.  You are responsible, hard working,  funny, an instigator at times,  you liked to do or say  things for the shock value ; you were a fighter, completely direct and open in your communication, but then you had such a soft, gentle, sensitive, sweet, expressive, and emotional side.  You always told me how much you loved me with tears in your eyes.  Your softness was also expressed in your love for your dogs, which again is something that makes me proud to say, "like father, like daughter."

You posed with my bra and insisted I post it on Facebook.  Now, what Dad would do that? I'm proud to say, "that's MY dad!

showing your sense of humor

I love this picture because it shows your sense of humor.

Always making me laugh!!

I called you the afternoon before you were hospitalized that last time, and the last coherent words you ever said to me were, "I love you darling."  Yes, those were the last words you said to me that I could understand. I thank God for that.   I hope you know how much I loved you.  When we all sat in the hospital bed with you, holding your hand and telling you how much we loved you, could you hear us?  I hope so, Dad, because I love you so very much.  You need to know that.

I mentioned at your funeral about how keeping the "Fellows" in our names (Yvette and I) after we married was also an act of pride for the kind of father we had.  It is a testimony to you, Dad. I am so proud to be your daughter.  You taught me so much. You worked so hard for me. You gave me so much.  You loved me so much. You made me feel important and valued. 



You always kissed me!! You always told me you loved me.

Kissing Yvette and showing your love

It feels strange now because I'm an orphan. I have no parents alive anymore, and my heart breaks and tears fall rapidly down my face as I think of that.  I just want to hold you once last time.  One day, I know, we will see each other again.  Mia saw me crying and she reassured me, "Mommy.  You will see him again.  You will see him again, but you won't see me anymore." It is life.  Please be with me somehow in spirit until we meet again.  I still need you.

Dad, my sweet beautiful Dad.....  My heart is just broken now, but I'm going to try to cherish the wonderful memories, and instead of being sad all the time, I'm going to be grateful because I was blessed with the BEST Dad. My first son...your first grandson carries your name, Dylan Roy Bivens, and I gave him that name because its a testimony to the greatness of his grandfather.

You with your grandson who carries your name...Dylan Roy Bivens

When you finally left us, an onset of tears rushed, and I felt like I wanted to throw up.  I gagged.  I felt physically sick.  The pain of losing someone you love so much is almost too unbearable, but you are now an angel in heaven.  Rest, be happy, feel peace.  I will tell my kids about the kind of grandpa they had, and I'm certain Leroy and Yvette will do the same.  They will know all about Grandpa Roy.

....and Dad, most importantly, know....please, please know that

I love you, and I will never stop loving you. You are so loved..so very much loved.

Very, Very Proud to be Your Daughter,
Elizabeth Violet Fellows

I am Roy Stuart Fellows' daughter.