Why Would You Marry Someone With Three Kids? My Response

The "BURDEN" Lance took on



I once wrote an essay on the importance of being self-reliant . I am independent and self-sufficient, and I pride myself on these traits.  .  My mom instilled the value in me to always be self-reliant and to NOT need a man to support me.

 

There is a particularly sensitive and sore issue with me that periodically resurfaces in people’s perception of my marriage with Lance. I have written about this before, and I have voiced my resentment about it, and now I choose to devote an entire blog posting to address this soreness. 

 

I WAS NOT SAVED.  LANCE DID NOT RESCUE ME.  

 

“Why would you marry someone with three kids? Why would you take on that responsibility? Why would you want that burden?  No man would do that.”  Blah. Blah. Blah.  Blah.  

 

All these questions and comments irritate me.  Why? Because these questions/comments imply that I needed to be rescued and saved, which  completely contradicts who I am and what I take pride in – my self-sufficiency.  Moreover, it is incredibly insulting because it also implies that I am not marriage material and that any single person with children from a previous marriage is not marriage material.  Should I be kneeling down before him with gratitude for marrying me because no man would do that?  "Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you".  As lucky as I am to have married and found Lance, he is just as blessed to have found and married me.

 

Here are the facts: 

 

Before I met Lance, I had a full-time job (the same current job I hold).  I made and make fairly decent money. I have supported myself and my kids on my own.  I had/have a house in which I was making the mortgage payments on my own.  I invested a substantial amount in retirement planning on my own.   I took/financed vacations and traveled to Italy, Russia, New York, San Francisco etc.  on my own.  I established college savings accounts for my kids on my own.  I wasn’t this pathetic and feeble girl who sat on her ass waiting for some man on a white horse to come and rescue me.  There is no debating the fact that Lance’s income is greater than mine, and yes, he has made my life much more comfortable, but I refused to be defined as a meek woman who could not take care of herself or her kids. Circumstances did not change when we married.   I didn’t quit my job and expect him to carry the burden of supporting me and my children.  Furthermore,  I also help Lance because he gets a house and child tax deduction, which he did not receive before.  I also have more benefits at our employer because my years of service is greater, and I carry him on the health insurance.  I contribute greatly to this marriage just as he does.  We are equal partners. 

 

Additionally, marrying someone with kids? Why, why would anyone do that? The fact is that they do.  Forty to fifty percent of marriages in America end up in divorce.  This isn’t a surprising statistic.   I know more people who have been divorce than those that have been in one marriage.  Now if you look at these statistics and you inquire as to why anyone would marry someone with kids from a previous marriage, it would imply that NO ONE ever ever ever remarries.  The truth, however, is that people do. Thus, the blended family is born.  If men and   women never remarried a person with kids then the blended family would not exist, but in reality, there are more blended families than there are original families .  Blended families can create challenges as the family dynamics are different and much more complex, but Lance and I had a very serious discussion on how we would handle these challenges, and I think we have done a better than average job.  It’s simple.  Our family works.  Lance does take a pivotal role in raising these children.  He is very involved, attends their school functions and extracurricular activities, and I do recognize it does require a big commitment and time, but that is something he chooses to do – not something I asked or expected him to do (Need versus Desire).  Does this limit his freedom ?  I would argue with anyone who makes this claim.  Lance is given the liberty to go down to San Diego for the weekends.  I don’t handcuff him to me or the kids.  He can do what he wants when he wants.  I could easily ask Lance to support me and the kids because I want to be a stay-at-home mom, and I know he would do it, but because I value the options and the independence that my career offers me, I don’t do this. Moreover, I could use my feminine manipulation and ask him to sell the boat because I want a bigger house, but again, I don’t do this because I recognize Lance’s love of the water, and I could never take that away from him though I know he would sacrifice his happiness for mine instantly. 

 

Though Lance did not rescue me by marrying me, he did make my life SO MUCH better.  Fact.  Marriage (a good marriage that is) is not supposed to bring someone down.  It is not an anchor (a burden) that drags a person down.  A good marriage elevates a person to be better than they are.  I have a partner, and WE work TOGETHER to build our future and create our shared dreams.  I have someone who I can rely on when the waters get rough. I have someone who I trust implicitly to be my side, to make decisions, and to take action for the betterment of our marriage and family.  A responsibility/burden is defined by need versus desire. I don’t need a man to take care of me or my kids.  I want a man to share my life with.  I don’t need Lance.  If he were to leave me tomorrow, I would be able to take care of myself and my children.  I don’t need him.  I WANT HIM, and quite honestly, I want him in a very deep, passionate, unhealthy way.  =)  He complements me.  He loves me.  He makes me feel beautiful and secure.  He offers me companionship and a friendship that is unequal to any I ever had.  He makes me a better person. He makes everything better.   He is an AMAZING husband and a STEPFATHER.  I love him wholeheartedly and would do anything for him. 

 

However, if all of this fell apart tomorrow….just so YOU know…..I could and would stand on my own two feet, and that is the truth.