The Business of Marriage

I am a hopeless romantic, but I am also a realist.  I am in love with the love, but I also know that marriage cannot be sustained without more. A marriage is a business and its success depends on the efficiency of that business and how well the partners collaborate and strategize to achieve a mutual goal.

Lance and I are a “perfect” team.  We have accomplished so much in 2.5 years of marriage.  At times, I feel regret that we did not meet 20 years ago; I can only imagine all that we would have already accomplished.  A solid foundation would have already been developed and we would only just be applying finishing touches now.   Prior to being together, we both were in very one-sided relationships where the bulk of responsibility and action rested on one person.  Relationships like that are not only limited in growth potential, but  are doomed to fail as resentment grows.  In the marriage, a team must exist.

I periodically like to reflect on the past 2.5 years of our accomplishments. I feel, together, we are invincible and we can do ANYTHING.  

Results of the Wade/Fellows Union (est. March 18, 2011)

• Eliminated all credit card debt
• Almost eliminated all back taxes (in 6 months, it will be eliminated)
• Established a living trust (met with a lawyer and filed with the court)
• Sold a yacht
• Sold a motorcycle
• Sold a vehicle
• Paid off a Dodge truck
• Paid off a van
• Established a 457k plan for Lance and developed an active strategy for retirement
• Purchased a 70-ft yacht
• Refinanced the house twice to a shorter term (15-year fixed) with a much lower interest rate
• Opened up multiple joint accounts and updated all beneficiary information
• Adopted two dogs
• Completely refurnished the house (patio furniture, living room, dining room etc)
• Completely redecorated the house (all bedrooms, bathrooms, etc)
• Had every possible medical pre-screen test to ensure a healthy well-being; completely current on every diagnostic screening possible
• Started a business; Tide the Knott is NOW registered as a business
• Purchased a new Dodge truck
• Added Liz to DEERS and the Navy Retirement account
• Assigned (Lance) to a new career position and a new division
• Relocated (Lance) residence to OC
• Had an intimate, wedding/anniversary celebration
• Ran at least 25 half marathons and about 10 other races (Ragnar, 10Ks, 10 milers)
• Took an elaborate 12- day honeymoon to Eastern Europe
• Traveled extensively nationwide 
•           Texas: El Paso, Austin, San Antonio (at least 8 times)
•           Napa Valley, San Francisco
•           Arizona (3 times)
•           Las Vegas (multiple times)
•           Florida Keys

I think the first step to ensuring the livelihood of the marriage is having similar values and establishing mutual goals.  We are both, intelligent, educated, self-sufficient, resourceful, and have a strong work ethic.  We both value family, hard work, independence, self-reliance, and education.  We want a secure future; decisions are made with this in consideration.  We plan for the unexpected.  We strategize for growth.  We also counterbalance each other.  My weaknesses are his strengths and vice versa.  Lance's income is substantially more than mine, but he is not as financially smart.  He lives by the moment whereas I am a planner;  I think I inherited this trait from my mother.  I believe in investing and developing a sound safety net for all the “what ifs”.  I want the kids protected should something happen.  I want my assets protected as well.  Whether it be a result of two divorces that forced him to start over, Lance had little to show for all the years of hard work.  Plus, as a single guy, he lived in the present with little concern for the future.  I am the polar opposite.  My 77,000+ income is considered poverty level in Southern California; in another state, I might be considered "comfortable".   What I feel pride for is my ability to maximize that limited resource and to build upon it.  At the age of 41, and prior to meeting Lance, I had something (maybe not much), but something to show.... 

Though my computer skills are far from being mediocre, Lance surpasses me in that area.  He is able to create amazing spreadsheets and graphs so when I have information that we need organized, Lance is able to format the information in an easily digestible manner. I am mechanically challenged whereas Lance can fix anything, which is an unbelievable comfort to me.  My husband is both white and blue collar.  I don't know any man who is both.

What I find so refreshing and a completely new experience is being able to bounce ideas off of someone. I don’t have the pressure from knowing everything rests on me; if I make the wrong decision, it used to be solely on my shoulders.  I like the comfort of having someone to share the burden of making life changing decisions.  I love that I can share an idea, and he responds, always making it better.  There is also an unquestionable trust in each other's judgment.

We are deeply in love; no question about it,  but what I take pride in is that we have an extremely efficient and productive partnership.

I feel secure.  I feel stressed free.  I feel confident.  I feel empowered.  Together, we can accomplish anything.  The marriage is more than solid; it is passionate in love and successful in business.

Strengthening the Blended Bond

I know it is difficult for Lance to not have all of the kids within a short distance from him.  We don’t get to spend every holiday or share birthdays regularly so when we all do finally get to reunite, the time and memories are especially precious.  Last weekend, our house was filled with the chaotic happiness of family.  We had 13 people in our 4 bedroom townhouse.  It was crowded, but it was a wonderful feeling full of love, laughter, and lots of noise. Our two eldest daughters and their families came to visit us for four days.

So how did we keep ourselves occupied and entertained?

 

The girls were off on their own on their first day because unfortunately, Lance had to work.  In the evening though, we took the entire clan to see the new Disney film, “Planes”.  We occupied an entire row at the movie theater.  Lance whispered in my ear, “And you said we didn’t have a big family….look, we take up the entire row.”  He is right, and the family is only getting bigger.

Friday was even more jammed packed with activities as we spent the entire day at Huntington Beach.  It was the perfect day for the beach.  We swam, played in the sand, threw a football around, ate sandwiches, and just enjoyed the warmth of the sun.  I didn’t realize the beach could be so much fun.  Frankly, I am not a beach person.  I hate the sand. I also don’t enjoy sunbathing either.  I thickly lather that 70 SPF sunblock.  I think the beach and ocean are incredibly beautiful, but I like to admire it from a concrete location under a large canopy.  Regrettably, I think the last time I took my kids to the beach was two years ago.  The kids asked if we could go again.  We live 4 miles from the beach so there really is no excuse to not go more often.  Our grandson Jed didn’t care for the water too much whereas Carter was the complete opposite. You would think he was born in the water—he just loved it!

we set up camp under the canopy and ate lunch.

 

Not sure what kind of face Mia has....

 



The entire clan in the water

 Lance with Lauren

 Lance and I

 Mia holds her collection of muddy sand

 Lance with his girls and Levi

 Brandon gets buried in the sand.

 

 The finishing touches of getting buried in the sand

Football in the sand

 

 

 Fun in the water

 Lance with his grandsons

 

When we returned from the day at the beach, we celebrated Lance’s birthday with a small BBQ.  We even played a few friendly games of volleyball and basketball.  I think the best parties are the ones where you get to participate in physical activity.  It counterbalances all the junk food you consume that day.
 

Saturday was exhausting even though we did nothing.  We had a lengthy three-hour commute to San Diego.  Summertime creates even more congestion so what normally is a 90-min commute took twice as long.  Welcome to Southern California! By the time we arrived in San Diego, we were exhausted.  We went to the race expo to pick up our bibs.  Bron, Jessie, Dylan, and I were running in America’s Finest City Half Marathon on Sunday.  Lance then took everyone to see Tide the Knott, our 70-foot yacht.  In a few years, this boat will be ready for day excursions.  The evening ended with dinner at Pizza Nova before we retreated back to the hotel at the Naval base in Coronado.  It was an early night for us as we had to prepare for tomorrow’s early morning run.

 

It was Jessie’s very first half marathon, and she did AMAZING! I’m so proud of her.  She ran with Bron, and in a romantic gesture and similar to what Lance and I did two years ago, they crossed the finish line together.  She has a runner’s physique—tall and lean.  I have no doubt that if she continues to pursue running, she can easily run a half under 2 hours.

 

 

When the half marathon ended so did our mini reunion.  We headed back home to the OC, and everyone began the long drive back to their homes. It was a wonderful weekend. 

What I found so cute and surprising was how Brandon developed a nurturing relationship with little Jed.  Jed followed Brandon around, and even joined us in our car so he could hang out with Brandon.  Brandon took care of him, making sure Jed had every need satisfied.  I have received many comments from teachers, coaches and other adults about how caring, helpful, and respectful Brandon is, but I could not easily identify with those remarks because the Brandon I see can be a bully to his sister, Mia.  However, during this visit, I finally saw the truth behind these comments.  It was a highlight of trip…watching Brandon and Jed interact.

 

I also must add that Lance and I got to meet Levi Wade Nelson for the first time.  He was born last August, and it was a year before we finally saw him.  He is even more cuter in person.  Chubby with beautiful blond curls...It reminded me of Brandon when he was a baby. He had the most beautiful curls. 

 

 

These mini reunions have more purpose for me other than creating everlasting memories.  It allows us time to develop and build our relationships with each other. It is a challenge to unite “step” families. Nowadays though, blended families are a norm and not so atypical.  However, it does require effort and a desire to make things work. These meaningful times allow my kids to foster relationships with their stepbrother and sisters, and for me to do the same.  Each reunion will only bring us closer, and that, for me, is the ultimate goal.

                                                  With our grandson, Jed (yes, I became a grandma at 39)

 

Carter with his Grandpa

 

                                                      Lance with Lauren and her family

                                                                Lance with his three kids

                                                         Lance with Jesse and her family

                                           The "Blended" family as a whole

 

Happy 55th Birthday Lance!

His very patriotic birthday cake

As much as he says that he does not want a big deal made out of his birthday or that birthdays are meaningless, Lance does NOT really believe that.  He will quickly refute this, but I affirm all of his insistence that his birthday is not a big deal to him a bunch of hogwash.   He does care.  Yes, it is true that he doesn't want the attention of a big birthday bash. However,  he does like presents (from me) and he does like attention from his loved ones.  How do I know this?  Last year, I didn't do as much as I did the first year we were married.  He didn't get a present.  He didn't get a table set with decorative birthday plates.  All he got was a homemade dinner from me of which I might add is indeed a big deal, because I am not a cook.  Lance was disappointed with the lack of a proper birthday celebration.  He can argue with me, but I know him better than he knows himself.
 
This year, I made him happier.  We had an intimate BBQ to celebrate his 55th birthday!  All six of our children were present as well as the son-in-laws and the grandchildren.  I know that was his greatest joy!  We had the cake, the decorative setting, and he got presents!  Lance gets easily embarrassed when he receives gifts from others, but for me, he is like a little boy on Christmas Eve. For the week prior the party, Lance harassed me....begging me to give him his presents early.  It was tempting because I was excited for him to open it, but I exerted my patience and made him wait.
 
Lance does not like big parties so with the family and a few close friends, we had a wonderful celebration.  He deserves it.  He is 55 years old.  He may feel old, but in my eyes, there is no man more sexier to me!

For his birthday, I gave him a watch.  He has been wanting one for quite some time, and this watch was perfect.  It is a scuba diving watch--perfect for him!  I also created a 100 page commemorative book from Costco filled with visual images and text from our Eastern European honeymoon.  Having been home for over a month now, I realize even more how special and how perfect that honeymoon was....

No birthday is complete without a kiss to my husband

Our honeymoon book

His new watch

 

Happy Birthday my husband!! I love celebrating your birthdays with you and I hope you know how special you are to me and how deeply I am in love with you!!

One Year and 12 Half Marathons Later

Inspired by a coworker who made it a goal to run a 5k every month for a year, I made the decision to do the same, but I made some modifications to fit my own fitness needs.  In September 2012, I made a decision to run a half marathon every month for a year.  I was well aware that this would be a daunting task, but with the support of a very loving husband, I was able to accomplish it.  Running is very therapeutic for me.  It challenges me both physically and mentally.  I feel empowered and undefeatable. I do not train for half marathons. What enables me to do it is that I continue to maintain a moderate fitness level as part of my life’s routine.  I will exercise until I no longer can.  I do it because it is the best and most natural anti depressant in life.  I exercise more for my mental well being.

The “running” aspect of this goal was not the challenge.  What made it particularly difficult and challenging was all the other logistics such as cost, travel, and time.  Running in organized races is not a cheap sport.  It can cost anywhere from 75 – 150 dollars to register per race.  Moreover, with races being so early on Sunday mornings, I often have to travel to locations and spend a night on Saturdays; thus, you have hotel costs.  Additionally, it usually interrupts an entire weekend so you sacrifice other activities to run.

I did not achieve any PRs.  My times were mediocre with my fastest being 2:08 and my slowest being 2:46.  The body is not built to take such a beating so I knew running this frequently would not give me a personal best.  I was not running for my PR.

YEAR IN REVIEW

September 2012:  Disneyland Half Marathon, Anaheim California

October 2012:  Los Angeles Rock and Roll Half Marathon, Los Angeles, California

 

November 2012:  San Antonio Rock and Roll Half Marathon, San Antonio, California

December 2012:  Las Vegas Rock and Roll Half Marathon, Las Vegas, California

 

January 2013:  Arizona Rock and Roll Half Marathon, Phoenix, Arizona

 

February 2013:  Surf City Half Marathon, Huntington Beach, California

 

March 2013:  San Diego Half Marathon, San Diego, California

April 2013:  Hollywood Half Marathon, Hollywood, California

 

May 2013:  OC Half Marathon, Newport Beach, California

 

June 2013:  San Diego Rock and Roll Half Marathon, San Diego, California

 

July 2013:  Shoreline Half Marathon, Ventura, California

August 2013: America’s Finest City Half Marathon, San Diego California

So what’s next?  I have gained an excessive amount of weight, and I need to lose a minimum of 10 lbs before I can even consider conquering my next ambition.  I already am in that very exclusive club of those who have completed a full marathon; however, it was under the worst conditions, and I know I could do MUCH better.  With that being said, I want to run the 2014 LA Marathon in March.  I am ambitious.  I am competitive, and I’m going to do this! Bring it on!!