Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas! I'll keep this post relatively short with text and heavy with pictures.  We have been blessed with a truly happy Christmas with love...love...love.  We went to my sister, Yvette's, house for Christmas eve.  As always, my brother in law Mike prepared a very moist and juicy turkey.  We had the traditional Christmas dinner with turkey, ham, potatoes, stuffing etc. Lance spent Christmas even consuming three bottles of wine with Mike's mother.  This was in addition to the six beer bottles he had during the day while working on the 16 ft dingy that he is building.  (Yes, we were counting.)  By the time the evening was coming to a close, the two of them were drunk and laughing at everything.

How many bottles of wine did they consume? They were having a jolly time.  Lance needs someone to drink with....

Decorating cookies on Christmas Eve.

I think I pulled a bunch of wax out of Dylan's ear.

Christmas morning started early.  No sleeping in as Brandon was the first one up yelling that Santa had come!  We all came downstairs and began the joyous act of opening presents.   We started off with our stockings, and then we took a break and had breakfast.  I made an egg and sausage casserole.  I may not be a great cook, but I am getting better. After breakfast, the fun resumed.  We are too blessed.  Santa was very generous this year.



Christmas stockings





Christmas morning---we all look like crap.



Dylan got an i-phone.  It is the old model, and he is contributing one week of allowance a month to the monthly plan.  Along with the phone, his favorite gift were tickets to the December 27 game of the LA Clippers and Boston Celtics.



Boston Celtics vs LA Clippers game tickets

Model ship

Brandon is almost 8, but he has always been very mature.  He doesn't really play with toys. Brandon got an OKC Durant jersey, basketball shoes, a basketball etc.



Brandon's new basketball shoes--he starts playing in January





Brandon shows off his new OKC Durant Jersey.



Mia got Barbies, a new Barbie bike, and a bunch of clothes.  She was very happy.

Mia and her Barbie bike that has a bicycle on the handle bars so Barbie can ride with you!

Mia's new Barbie car

Santa didn't forget Buddy and Bella.  They both got toys...but I think the excitement of Christmas exhausted them because they were knocked out before noon.

Lance and I are traveling to Florida next week so we were conservative with each other for Christmas.  We both did get brand new carry-on suitcases which will be useful for our trips to Florida and Europe.  I had a serious conversation with Lance that he needs to improve on his style.  He didn't wrap any of my gifts this year; he just ordered online and shoved the brown shipping boxes under the tree and in my stocking.  I am not high maintenance but come on, Lance!!  We will see if he gets better next year. The best gift I got thought from him was another letter. I love receiving handwritten letters.  It made me cry. Again.

  

My very cool new iphone case---I ABSOLUTELY LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

Brandon gets thank you kisses! He gave me and Lance a dollar!

Our new suitcases--I love mine!

The kids went to their dad's house so now...it is quiet.  I appreciate the stillness now because Christmas is exhausting, but I know by this evening, I will miss them.

Merry Christmas to everyone!!

To You

I want to close the year expressing my gratitude for these gifts.

1.   Dylan, Brandon, Mia ---You give such meaning and purpose to my life.  You have brought me closer to God.  In early adulthood, I was an agnostic, but how can I be an agonistic when I look at your faces?  When I feel discouraged, I just have to think of you and I am strengthened. You are the GREATEST gifts in my life.


Dylan, Brandon, and Mia - the greatest gift in my life



2.    Lance—You changed my life and resurrected my faith in the romantic Bronte notions of “love”.  As deeply as I love you, I need you.  You make life complete.  You are my best friend, my kindred spirit, and my soul mate.  I truly would be lost without you.   I love you so much that I start crying when I think about you.  I love you so much that it hurts.  I love you so much that it scares me at times.  I believe that God made us for each other.   My life has never been this whole and complete, and I know it is because of you.  You are everything to me. I know our love is one of the greatest love stories in the world.  I love you with everything I am and will ever be.

Proposing to Lance with a "real" ring which he lost--he has had 4 or 5 wedding rings. I've lost count.

    

3.   Buddy and Bella—You make me feel unconditional love at times when I need it the most.   I love how you monopolize our bed and force your dad and I to become contortionist as we try to find a sliver of space on the bed.

Our twins (not really)...Buddy and Bella

4.   Jesse, Lauren, Joe, Bron, and Don—you welcomed and accepted me so lovingly and openly as not only your dad’s wife, but family as well.   Because of how much I love your Dad, your thoughts and opinions matter a great deal to me.  You are and will always be very important to me.  With or without this family bond, I like who each of you are as individuals...…I love all of you and will always be here for you.

5.    Dad—You always make me feel loved .I know you will always be there for me.  I feel very blessed that I have you as a dad.  I love that you are completely unconventional, and a crazy nut.  You are loud, obnoxious, and do crazy sh*t. You embarrass me, but oh, there is never a moment when I am not proud to be your daughter.

Dad geting love from Lance.

6.   Leroy and Yvette—I am very proud to be your sister. I enjoy sharing my passion of running with Leroy.  Leroy, I am very proud of all that you accomplished, and I feel envious that you are running halfs like a 20 year old.  Yvette--you have always had a soft heart, and I will forever be grateful for how you took care of Mom and also you have have been truly wonderful in taking care of my precious Brandon and Mia. You both are the only ones who love Mom like I do, and I know she is proud of all of us. I know you will always be there for me, and I hope you know that I will always be there for you. When mom was dying, I promised her that, and I will always honor that promise.  ALWAYS. 

with Yvette

Leroy and I at the Las Vegas Rock and Roll Half Marathon

7.    Susan—You have been incredibly supportive of my marriage to Lance.  I also have not forgotten that you once said to me that you liked me the “best” out of all of your brother's past relationships.  I am very competitive, and I loved hearing that.  Seriously though I think it is because you can feel the depth of my love for him.  I appreciate you trying to make me “understand” things I may not have understood. You have shown me love and acceptance. I love you.

8.   Jed, Carter, Levi—my three grandsons. I became a grandma at a very young age, but I don’t mind because I have righteously named myself “Hot Grandma”.  I love being around you, because you are just so adorable.  I wish you lived closer so I could eat your cheeks and nibble on those fat thighs.  You would be chewed upon and returned to your parents all slobbery and wet. 

With Jed and Carter

 9.  My In Laws, Nephews, and Nieces—who make me feel the warmth of an extended family and who make all the holidays much more enjoyable.  I’m thankful that Mike does all the cooking on the holidays.   I’m also thankful that Masha is also into running—it makes it a family affair.

My nices and nephews (minus Oliver)

  

10. Keith, Mike, and Paul—who as Lance’s childhood friends accepted me into their circle. You were previously use to Lance always being available but now have to contend with a less available Lance due to his new commitment to me and an immediate family.  I recognize it is an adjustment and can be inconvenient at times, but I also hope you know you are welcomed and embraced by me as well. You are now my brothers.



Lance with two of his brothers from another mother, Paul and Keith.



11. Friends – I’m hesitant to say everyone’s name for fear I may inadvertently leave someone out, but you know who you are…Sherry, Cheryl, Roberta, Linda, Art, Bill, Liz...If I forgot someone, please dont take offense (I am just old and forgetful).  I make friends slowly but when I do, I am profoundly loyal.  I am grateful for all the laughs, the advice, and the support given to me.

12. Family – It seems after my mom passed, I don’t see some of my relatives as much, but the love I have is still alive and very strong. 



With a few family members making fun of our Asian heritage...maybe its ok that we do this because we are Asian?

 13.   Health---the fact that I’m well enough to run half marathons regularly…and the health  of all my loved ones.

14.   Financial Stability, Food, Shelter, Employment

15.   And last, but definitely not least, I am grateful to God.  I can feel your presence surrounding me every day.  It sometimes seems unfair that I have been blessed so much, but then again, I remember it wasn’t always like this and that I, too, have my own struggles.  I know I will never take the gifts I have for granted, and I am eternally grateful. Thank you for enriching my life with love and beauty.


The meaning and purpose of my life will always rest with YOU, those that I love...

Thank you for making my life better.

Just Sad...

Maybe a blog should be upbeat? Who wants to read depressing, melancholy thoughts especially during the holly, jolly season?   I feel grateful, blessed, somber, and reflective. It is what I am now, and this is my truth.

The tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School on Friday has left an acute ache in my heart; I have thought of the victims and their families every day since; I have prayed daily for God to somehow comfort them.  Last night, while alone, I kneeled and prayed, allowing my feelings to be recognized, and in that acknowledgement, I could not stop the tears.  Being a mother of young children, I could not help but be deeply affected by this; I know it could have easily been my neighborhood, my children.   No parent should ever ever ever have to experience this...EVER. The pain is more piercing because, in my opinion, there is nothing more cruel or evil than an act of violence against a child.  Children are defenseless.  They don’t even have a chance to fight for themselves.  As we continue with our lives, I know those directly affected by this will never be the same. 

I have been exceptionally clingy towards my babies as I know most parents are now.  I cannot read the news anymore.  It is too painful.

When I logged onto to the intranet this evening, I saw another disturbing article about a man arrested for raping infants.  I could not finish the article because I felt so sick to my stomach, and then I became enraged.  Why? Why? Why? 

I finished the final episode of the current season of Dexter last night; For those who do not know the storyline of this show….It is a series on Showtime about a serial killer who follows a code in his murders.  He kills “bad” people or other murderers that somehow slip through the justice system.  Even though Dexter is a serial killer, I honestly feel he is doing a great service to the community by ridding the world of these monsters.  I sometimes wish he was real.  I think he would not only save the taxpayers billions of dollars but more importantly, thousands of innocent lives would be spared.  Imagine all the child rapists and murderers that could “handled” by Dexter?  I’m sorry, but someone who hurts a child is incapable of any type of rehabilitation, and I do not want money wasted on efforts to rehabilitate someone like that.  Those who hurt children are EVIL.

I am feeling so hurt, upset, and discouraged now.  I would give anything so that children would not have to suffer in this world.   I feel helpless.

I will continue to pray no matter how much it hurts. 

Remembering 2010



In her mid 50s. Gorgeous



I remember where I was two years ago, and how uncertain I was if I could survive the holidays without an emotional breakdown.  It is for that reason that I appreciate the joy I have now.  I remember all too well, waking up every morning and not wanting to get out of bed and literally having dialogues with my reflection in the mirror--trying to pep myself up to act through the motions of life. Too much happened in that year---they say it comes in threes, and in that year, I got hit three times.  My mother passed away in March; Blackie died in my arms in August, and my 13-year relationship ended in October. I managed to survive, but sometimes, the devastating loss hits you at moments when you least expect it.  I could be driving in traffic. I could be eating at a restaurant.  I could be watching a movie. I could be shopping, and BOOM--in the hustle of that activity, I will cry uncontrollably as if the wound is new and fresh. 

My mom wasn’t perfect. In fact, she could be very difficult to deal to deal with. She was opinionated, always right and always knew better, outspoken, demanding, and controlling, but she was also so giving, kind, smart, strong...There is no one I have ever met who was as giving as my mom. She gave everything away.  Because of her values, guidance, discipline, relentless pushing, all three of us (my brother, sister, and I) are college graduates.  She was irrefutably the strongest woman I have ever known, and her strength gives me faith that no matter what trauma life brings my way, I CAN handle anything.  I believe that if I have an ounce of her in me, there is nothing I can’t overcome.  Many have commented on how alike we are, and as a child, I loathed the comparison, but as an adult, I feel blessed to be like her.  My life is not perfect, but I am happy.  However, when I do have moments of defeat, I find myself often talking to her.  I can still feel her around me…..watching me.  I feel safer even though she is no longer here. 

The pain, however,  is always there--I feel hurt that my kids will not remember much, if anything about her.  I fear that she will eventually just be a face in a photograph and a character in a story told by me.  The personal, intimate connection will be lost.  I see other kids doing things with their grandma, and I get angry that my kids were cheated out of that experience with their grandma. The unfairness seems unbearable at times.

I have to remind myself though of how blessed I am because she was my mother, and oh how proud I am to be her daughter.





with braids...inspired by the novel and film, The Lover

I lost Blackie in August, and those who have ever known the unconditional love of a dog can understand how it feels to lose a pet, but it was even harder because Blackie was so much more to me. Blackie was by my side through so much…for almost 16 years, she was my best friend. I had her from 5 weeks until almost 16 years old.  I fed her with a bottle. She was my child.  When I felt the world turn against me, I had my Blackie.  It was the hardest thing I had to do when I decided to put her to sleep. I held her in my arms and saw her breathe her last breath with my eyes completely clouded and blinded with tears.  I still find it difficult to talk about Blackie without choking up.

I dont think I will truly ever get over the devastation of that year.  I survived it with support from so many friends.  In times of great pain and sorrow is when we often see the most beauty and love in the world.  Friends, co-workers were a pivotal blessing that year, but honestly, I survived that year because of three angels that were brought to me by God: Dylan, Brandon, and Mia.  I realized then that those kids give more and do more for me than I could ever do for them.

I had a mental breakdown one night in December; Dylan whispered to me, "Mommy--go look in your stocking."  I was so upset, but I did what he said, and in my stocking was a white envelope with a 5 dollar bill in it.  There was such symbolic and emotional significance in this gesture because it was the first time in years that my stocking had something in it.  My stocking always hung up empty.  I dont know when he put it in there and how he saved up his money---but my heart was lifted.

In November, it was the first birthday I shared without my mother or Blackie, and I had a difficult time trying to feign some excitment and happiness with cake, candles, and gifts.  I just wanted to cry.  Brandon saw me struggle to keep my emotional composure when I was a nudge away from losing control.  Yvette, my sister, was trying to help and asked if the kids could sleep over.  I guess she wanted to give me a stress free night without kids.  Dylan and Mia stayed with Yvette, but Brandon did not.  He came home to be with me, and away from the family gathering, I cried.  It was 5 year old Brandon who consoled me...who wiped my tears, and who held me until I felt better. He was so intuitive at age 5; he chose to stay and comfort his mother than play with his cousins at a sleep-over.

I will NEVER forget what my boys did for me, and to this day, the $5 bill is in a frame.  It reminds me of how special my children are and how blessed...truly blessed I am to be their mother. 

Sometimes, it really seems they take care of me more than I take care of them.

Photos from Christmas 2010 (You can't tell from these photos, but I was in a very depressed state.)---this was the first Christmas without them---It was me "acting" through the emotions of a happy holiday...

I love my mom.  I love Blackie.  Always.  I have an eternal hole in my heart that will always ache.  It is something I have to live with. Fortunately, I also have three truly AMAZING kids who just make that ache a little less painful.